After having been marginalized, and having a rumor circulated about me, I remained at SAT for another 2 years.
Why did I remain?
When I first came to SAT the teaching was more pantheistic…embracing all the Truth Traditions, equally so. I loved this as the emphasis was on The Truth and not on any particular ‘form’ of the teaching.
My approach was never one of negation. That simply did not make sense as I always felt everything was included. https://integrityintruth.com/the-existential-danger-of-radical-non-duality/ Yet, the internal message of support from Nome was strong. Instead, my leaning was to the essential Dzogchen. Guidance from Candace O’Denver (now Ziji Rinpoche) was, ultimately, transmitted in silence by Nome for me.
Great Freedom/Balanced View would never answer my e-mails as they knew from where I hailed! If only I had paid a bit closer attention to the actual energtics of those transmissions. Even Nome winced when relaying some of the messages regarding allowing pain.
That ‘benevolent care’ would change shortly thereafter into one of extreme, malevolent control...a control over every aspect of this life.
Over time, the 2 years that I stayed after the rumor about me had been circulated created a certain amount of PTSD from not being able to express myself. I could not even honestly answer the simple question of ‘How are you?’
The necessity to suppress not only my emotions…but the actual truth of a situation…was obvious.
Before realizing the magnitude of what I was forced to hold I indicated to my father, Stan, that we were being ‘led around by the nose’…that Nome and Russ were lying to us. Additionally, I had shared this same, obvious insight with long-time member and friend Eric Ruetz.
Shortly thereafter, Stan took up the issue of his teacher’s lies in private session with Nome where Nome convinced my own father that I was wrong.
My father died with the misinformation about his daughter…the lie that I had betrayed his beloved teacher.
Right around this time, Nome felt the need to silence me.
The first overt indication of the necessity of this forced silencing was when my father, Stan Rice (a long-time SAT member), passed in 2009.
I was unable to have any service, no-less one that he wanted…which was to have his ashes scattered at SAT. I would not be able to invite any of my family due to the rumors that had already been circulated about me.
I ended up holding on to my father’s ashes for several years until I begged Bob Haber (who was now living in Stan’s old place…and who was sent to keep a jail-like watch over me) to ask Nome if those ashes could be placed in back of the SAT Temple as per Stan’s wishes.
The hasty scattering of my father’s ashes was done unceremoniously under the watchful eyes of Bob, at my side and Nome, from the SAT office window.
The forced silencing and suppression of my emotions was worse than the actual death of my father. It was a death.
By 2009 Eckhart Tolle’s books ‘Power of Now’ and, later, ‘The New World’ had reached widespread American audience and was in much greater alignment with my natural temperament. Tolle’s teaching easily replaced any teachings of ‘negation’ as (now) presented by Nome.
After one Satsang I was asked by a friend named Bill what I thought of Tolle’s ‘Power of Now.’
My immediate response was that it was ‘brilliant.’
Meanwhile, standing behind Bill Wilson, and wildly waving his hands, was Tim Frank to indicate that I should not reveal that there were actually ‘other’ awake folks…no less ones who were well known and published!!
Additionally, Tolle states in The Power of Now that teachings of ‘I am not the body’ are highly inefficient and rarely lead to awakening as the body, itself, is the most efficacious doorway to Presence and, paradoxically, to transcendence of the body.
Later, I would come to realize that, all along, there had been a certain level of, not just intuitive sensitivity but of, clairaudience and claircognizance in combination with my own occasional experience of omni-presence, space-like Being and paradoxically the experience that nothing ever, ‘really happened.’
Such Absolutist experiences can easily lead to a dismissal of the relative reality. They can be felt as complete in themselves. This, in my view, is the ultimate danger of non-duality leading to an arrogant dismissal of our Humanity and a dangerous disregard for integrity and ethical behavior. The case of this life and the existential controls over 4-generations of my family is arguably one of the more sweeping of breaches at the hands of spiritual teachers.
The point came when people finally began to awaken at SAT. Those who were waking-up, naturally, recognized the burden I had been forced to carry for the lies of Nome, Russell Smith and Candace O’Denver (aka Candice Rinpoche) regarding the charade of the supposed splitting up of the brother’s teachings.
One of those newly awakened was Sangeetha Raman. During one of the Satsang prasad events I was sitting next to Sangeeta (wife of Raman Muthukrishnan and sister to Navneet Ayer) where she slipped me a post-it note upon which she wrote “TRUST.”
There was no doubt that this heart held huge trust in these teachers. Trust was, literally, the bed-rock of my practice and approach. That level of trust would, later turn into a betrayal of myself especially after I learned of the over-arching means that these teachers used to control this life and the lives of my family.
What Sangeetha could not have possibly known at that time would be the occult controls of ‘auric block’ and ‘psychic implant’ that later, literally, imprisoned, manipulated and controlled this life.
cover lettering by me.
My time of being Book Store manager was deliberately replaced by the Advaita-friendly Jim Oden. Jim spoke derogatorily of my service much to the consternation of many members who knew of my dedication working in the basement dungeon with a later honest-to-God convicted murderer who Aya Oden, Jim’s wife, had rented the room to because he ‘was wearing white.’ That’s what she told me when I complained about this person. In fact I was so frightened of this person that, one day when he brushed too dangerously close to me, I ran upstairs grabbing Bob Haber along the way and locked us both in the bookstore!!
It was after Navneet Ayer awakened that someone was asking Ricky (who was working in the store after Satsang) about a particular book when Navneet spun around saying they should ask Leslie…pointing to me as I was walking down the stairs!!
Navneet was obviously lending me this very overt support regarding the unfortunate position I was in of having been gas-lit and scapegoated by the slander of my own long-time teachers.
The ways that newly awakened people would lend their knowing and support had to be subtle so as to not give away what they now knew regarding what I had been forced to hold.
During these last 2 years at SAT I came across a couple of blogs written by several awake women who continue, to this day, as ‘friends’ on Facebook.
Those women were: Colleen Loehr (who ultimately convinced me to join Facebook and threw me the initial 25 friends who would replace a spiritual community), Maria Smith, Miriam Louisa Simons and Marian Lansky. During one Satsang I clairvoyantly felt the presence of Colleen Loehr and her reiteration of Nome’s message.
The support of these 3 women…as with the many who would follow after them…would never admit to knowing Nome, Russ and Candace or of what occurred at their hands.
Shortly after joining the Facebook group I came across Bentinho Massaro and his brilliant, early walking videos. In my estimation they were pure expressions of Dzogchen.
Furthermore, Bentinho took the teachings into a much more direct, accessible and down-to-earth presentation. There was the playful, yet serious, approach which was devoid of all the apparent spiritual trappings.
With the potential for a more aligned teaching with Bentinho, Belle Haywood (now Belle Sanjiti) encouraged me to finally leave SAT.
My intuitive feeling at the time was that her encouragement to leave was for the sole purpose of protecting what Nome was establishing as a center for the teaching of Ramana Maharshi.
Toward the end of my time at SAT there were two grave and forewarning messages that Nome gave me:
The first one was that my path would be ‘akin to Arjuna going off to battle.’
The second was, in silence, when he said “The most difficult thing for you will be to not be able to be in a relationship.” That ‘auric block’ would, ultimately, affect every area of this life: mental/emotional/physical, familial, spiritual, financial, social etc. Everything. It affected everything.
At the time, I had no idea what he was referring to and would only later find out about his use of an extremely dark and controlling side of siddis involving: ‘auric block’ for purposes of relational control and ‘psychic implant’ for purposes of extreme surveillance.
It would only be years later that I would come to know of these practices and their effects.
Court Case: As a former member of the SAT Board of Directors I was asked to appear in the court case involving Nome and his brother Russell Smith.
I have to admit I got on the stand and lied with the best of them.
Russell and Helga attempted to ‘thank me’ on the way out as I had lied when asked if I thought Russell was ‘honest’ man. I said “Yes.’
In a subtle move, Jim Clark acknowledged what I already knew…that the entire court case was a ruse…a complete fabrication…that was taken all the way down the Santa Cruz County court system.
Of course, when I returned to SAT after being thrown out of Russ & Helga’s ‘Way of Sudden Awakening’ there was Russ sitting on the dais with Nome! Looking sheepish at my appearance…Russ left not to return while I was there. Later, Jim would be the one to usher me to the exit door for the last time.
On my way out the front doors of SAT for the last time in two-decades Jai Stiga stopped me and made me promise to never divulge what I had been forced to hold.
At the time, I assured Jai of my silence.
There is so much during this period…of awakening experiences…of looks from Nome that clearly indicated that he no longer supported me but was actually undermining my dedication and loyalty…that is too much to describe in a post on a website.
Given that…if you have any questions, whatsoever, please feel free to email me at: Leslie@IntegrityInTruth.com.
Thank you for your continued interest in this story. ❦
The next installment will concern the ‘replacement spiritual community’ of Bentinho Massaro (who was sent by Nome) and the continued controls involving people connected with SAT…and other teachers…at my own home as well as the beginning of the dark shadow of internal threat.
(Photo images: All photos taken by the author, Leslie, unless otherwise noted. The cover of the 1st edition of ‘The Ribhu Gita’…hand-lettering by Leslie Read, a job I gave up in order to manage the SAT bookstore. Arjuna off to Battle: courtesy Bing Images.)
